venting

***A disclaimer about this post. I am talking about people OFFLINE. People online are different, because they know how much I am wrestling with this decision, know my thoughts about it, and aren't condescending me in anyway. Just so you all know *** (Also, I am so upset, I know I made horrible spelling errors, but don't want to go back and check them)

I am so incredibly sick of people saying to me. With a look of shocked horror or condecension on their face "I would NEVER get an amnio". Because, well (and excuse me if I am offending anyone), I honestly believe with every fiber of my being that most people who had completely normal pregnancy can very well say that to me now...but they have NO CLUE what they would do if they were in this situation. It is very easy to judge me when they are sitting there with their perfectly normal child, and their breezily easy pregnancy. But I want to know what they would honestly do if they were given high odds that their baby had a problem. Because really, I don't think they can say that FOR CERTIAN until they were in the situation. I really don't. And the way they say it. ARGH. Like I flippantly made this decision, like I haven't AGONIZED over it for three and a half weeks now. Like I don't spend almost every second of every day trying to decide what to do. Like I don't think about it when I wake up and when I go to bed. Right now I am so angry at these people.

And the random people that keep telling Matt they don't think we should have it. Umm...excuse me?? Did we ASK you? And I KNOW they are trying to be "helpful". But unless we have gone to them for advice or council, or they are really praying for us to make the right decision and feel like God has told them we shouldn't do it. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. Fine for them if they don't think we should do it. We have to do what we think is best for US. Fine for John who is on their third perfectly normal pregnancy to tell us he doesn't think we should do it. Whatever. Because this isn't hard enough for us without everyone and their brother spouting off their thoughts. And I know half these people aren't really taking this Nuchal Thickening thing seriously. I know Karin isn't. Because they have never heard of it. And because it was done so early. But this wasn't a simple prognosis done at my teeny tiny hospital. This was done by a trained perinatologist at a very large hospital. And it is serious. I haven't heard of anyone, in all my studies about it, who where given 1 in 3 odds. NO ONE. Just because someone hasn't heard of a test doesn't make it non-valid.

All this being said. I was feeling at peace. But when I get this stuff ALL THE TIME, It makes it hard to be at peace. And Matt is still split 50/50. And the fact that he isn't completely where I am at decision wise makes it hard for me to stand firm on my decision too.

This is honestly the hardest thing I have ever been through in my whole life. And I would really just like to go one day without thinking about it. JUST ONE DAY.