tomorrow

The amnio is tomorrow at 9 a.m. So PLEASE think of us then and send up some prayers if you would. I am so nervous, mostly about the procedure and the risk. I am an emotional mess right now, I am crying over PM's and emails (all very nice) and nice messages in a thread in my pregnancy group. And then I was reading amnio threads on a baby board and I need to STOP doing that. Because I am so overly sensitive and I read things that make me feel like crap and make me sad and feel like I am a bad person. And all the stuff I am reading is someone's personal opinion and it shouldn't make me feel bad at all, but everytime I read "I would never have an amnio because I would love my baby no matter what and it wouldn't change a thing" I want to shrivel up. I KNOW that the people who write this didn't mean a thing, and are just stating their point of view...but it makes me (in my overly raw sensitive emotional state) feel like they are saying that people who have amnios wouldn't love their babies at all and it would change everything. Obviously, I KNOW they aren't saying that. And before this whole thing I would have said the exact same thing I am sure... but i am just too hormonal to read that right now. I start to think I am a selfish horrible person for wanting to know. (sigh)--and please feel free to ignore that vent. I realize I am not thinking too clearly.

It is just this has been an incredibly draining six weeks. It was the hardest decision we have ever had to make. And this whole thing is just so hard. I don't want to think about it anymore. Ugh. If I didn't have an insane amount of work to do, I would go home now. I can't concentrate on work, really. I really can't even express everything that is going on in my head right now, so I will stop trying.

We won't have results from the amnio for two weeks. Which is really okay. Because honestly, the not knowing isn't what has been driving me crazy these past few weeks. The decisions and the possibilities are enough. I think I will feel better when tomorrow is over. And actually I think it will be a relief to know, (even though I am sure there will be grief if something is wrong), no matter what... so we can deal with it and move on.

My crazy mind keeps jumping about...but as of right now, I think with future pregnancies I will have NO screening tests. And ask them if they see abnormalities on routine scans not to tell us. Unless it is something we can address before birth...with surgery, or something. I don't want to know there is a possibility. (seems very contradictory to our decision to know this time, doesn't it?)

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In other news, I had the WORST baby dream the other night. I had the baby, a girl by the way--probably because I am so adamant it is a boy-- and I was holding her and somehow she had a peice of apple and was chocking and I was trying baby CPR, but I couldn't do anything, and my mother was screaming at me that I was a bad mother... and it was HORRIBLE. Argh. I have had the most insane dreams lately.

Oh... and I have Pictures from my uncle's wedding. They are okay I guess. Not the greatest.

And I also need to get your opinions. I took these two pictures. The little boy in the framed picture is Tammie's nephew that died. The little boy looking at it is his brother. It seems like a sort of morbid picture. But it was just so touching. I don't know though, if they would be painful pictures for Tammie though. So I can't decide if I should send them to her or not. What do you think?





Umm... not much other news. Matt's mom said she would come with us to the amnio if we wanted her too. I would like her to come if they will let her come in (at least for the u/s part), but I am not sure if they will or not.

I guess that is enough insane rambles for one day.