pregnant rambles

Well I am glad you guys don't think I look oddly huge... because I really do at times.

It is so weird... I always thought I would really enjoy getting a baby belly. I mean, when else in my life will I be able to have a belly that big without berating myself for letting myself for gaining weight. And yet... I don't like it. It freaks me out. And it isn't even BIG yet. And maybe that is the thing. Maybe since it isn't OBVIOUSLY a pregnant belly I don't like it yet. It just seems so weird that in three months my belly could do that. And it will just keep getting bigger. And it is already kind of uncomfortable to try and do up my shoes. Wow... am I in trouble

I have decided that I must be the most irratible pregnant women EVER. Seriously. Most of the time I feel like I have PMS times five. Poor everyone who has to be around me. But everything and everyone seems to make me cranky and sarcastic and mean. And work... oh goodness, I can't even begin to describe how crabby work makes me. The wedding I went to this weekend... the bride was pregnant and I just have to say I could have NEVER planned my wedding pregnant, I would have KILLED someone. Poor Matt... he will never want me to be pregnant again. I have been horribly witchy with him.

I feel SO strongly that this baby is a boy that I think I will be shocked if he is a girl when he comes out. I really will. And I don't know if it is just the fact that I think it is a boy so much, but my aunt and my mom always think/refer to him as a "he" also. I don't think I have anyone think it is a girl yet. Not that a lot of people have guessed. Mostly people online and my mother and aunt... but still. I can't believe how much I think it is a boy.

Two weeks until Amnio day. And honestly? I am still about 50/50 on whether or not I want to have it. I DID just read on the hospital website (the hospital I am having it at) that their miscarriage rate for amnios is 1 in 500... so even LESS than I thought... by quite a bit. Which did make me feel better. But really, I just can't/don't want to make the decision. I think if Matt decided all on his own he would decide NOT to have it. He just doesn't want to take the risk. And he says he doesn't need to know. Me? One day I will decide I DEFINITELY don't want to have it. The next day, I decide I really do. Really... there are three scenarios.

1. They tell me everything is fine. This is the reason I would want to have it. If I could guarantee they would tell us everything is perfect with the baby (and it wouldn't harm the baby in ANY WAY), I would most certianly want to have it. Just to have that load off my mind would make the pregnancy 10 times easier and better. And I could TRUELY enjoy the rest of these 26 weeks....

2. They find out the baby has something that makes life outside the womb impossible. (Trisomy 18 or 13 or something). This I honestly DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. We wouldn't abort the baby at all. And I would spend the rest of my pregnancy sad. If that were the case, I wouldn't want to know.. so I could at least enjoy my pregnancy as much as possible.

3. They find out the baby does have Down's or Turner's or another genetic abnormality. And this is what I am split on. I don't know if I can emotionally/intellectually prepare myself for this anymore if I know FOR SURE that the baby has this than just knowing there is a chance. I feel like already we have prepared a ton... and how will we ever be 100% prepared. At least without knowing for sure we have the hope that nothing is wrong. I DON'T know if knowing for sure will make it any easier or harder. So I don't know what my decision would be in regards to this option.

So yep, I am still split. I am going to email our genetic counselor tonight to discuss options if we do decide against the amnio. Also, to make sure we wouldn't put the baby in any danger by NOT knowing. Also to discuss more the risk of miscarriage at that particular hospital/with that particular doctor.

My weekend was nice. I was SO not ready for it to be over. I laid in bed so long this morning just WISHING I never had to get up. Our fourth was nice. I had quite a few people (who already knew I was pregnant) tell me I looked quite pregnant. Part of it was the shirt I was wearing, I think. But yep, I am popping out. And NONE of my bras fit. My boobs are growing at an insane pace. I can't imagine them getting any bigger.