not always strong

Well today has been a rollercoaster of emotions type of day.

First off, had a bit of a mental trantrum

I felt like stamping my feet and saying whyyyyy usssss? it isn't faaaiiirr. and then throwing myself to the ground to flail and scream and kick my legs and beat my fists on the ground. I just want a 'normal' pregnancy...whatever that is.

Then got in a complete tizzy trying to understand The Math of Odds.

If Person A is 35 and was given nuchal measurement of 5mm and odds of 1 in 4, Person B is 26 and given a nuchal measurement of 4.9 and odds of 1 in 17, and Person C is 27 years old with a nuchal measurement of 5.5 and odds of 1 in 10, then how is it that Person Me who is 25 given a nuchal measurement of 5 has odds of 1 in 3. And that isn't even factoring in the verytechnicalmedical article I read that said a 5 mm nuchal fold should increase my risk factor by 28 times, given me 1 in 280 odds. Ha! I couldn't do simple story problems in ninth grade math, how am I to understand this.

then it was The Terror

the amnio terror. No, not of the needle... although the thought of them sticking a very long needle through my 16 week pregnant belly and into my babies amniotic fluid isn't a great thought. But of the Miscarriage Risk. And yes, I scoff at those who are 'completely devestated' over a Down's risk of 1 in 200 thinking...why are they even worried, it is so very unlikely. But... the amnio/miscarriage risk of 1 in 200 has me petrified. If I were to hurt my baby with my 'need to know' I would never forgive myself. and people keep telling matt story after story of "someone I knew had an amnio and then their baby died." Um, and this after he tells them his wife is having an amnio and he is a bit nervous. Ah, people are so tactful.

and then I ate lunch. And I actually ate a balanced meal. a sandwich, some fruit and some pudding--and yes, given that I have lived on carbs lately this was balanced for me. And I sat listening to my coworker saying her daughter--who is due in about a months--biggest fear in pregnancy is "what if they baby isn't cute? how will I go on...." and I sort of felt a peace. And I had the pronounced thought that "our baby is going to be okay." And now I feel better. Not sure why, but I do.

That isn't to say I will always be positive. because, well I can't be. I am trying my best. I am FIGHTING to stay positive. But, well...it isn't always feasible for me. Sometimes I feel downright depressed. But I am trying my best.

and am so thankful for my great friends--and yes that means you-- for helping me to make it through.