And now the bad news

Well. Seeing the baby was lovely this morning. And then, came the bad news. I wasn't just paranoid this morning in the ultrasound. One of the doctors came down to talk to me this afternoon. I knew something was wrong as soon as he came in my office. --this wasn't my regular doctor, because she is on vacation, but another doctor-- He said he needed to talk to me, and took me into my bosses office so it was private. He told me they found a nuchal thickening on the babies neck. This nuchal thickening often indicates that there is something wrong with the baby such as Down's syndrome or Turner's disease. He said nothing is for sure at all, but they want me to see a specialist to talk about more genetic testing. Not the words any expectant mother wants to hear. Especially an overworried, completely paranoid one like I am. He told me not to worry, but honestly that is almost impossible. I looked up as much info as I could, and while I couldn't find much at all about nuchal thickening I did find some about the nuchal translucency test that they measure it with. The test doesn't say whether or not a baby has chromosomal abnormalities, but if they are at risk for it. And if I am at risk (which it looks like I may be) then I can go on to have other tests such as a CVS-- which I am almost positive I will not have because of the miscarriage risk factor or an amnio later on. The next step is to meet with a specialist at Meriter in Madison. I think I will ask him for the actual Nuchal test, since this was just a normal u/s, and perhaps they were just wrong-- AND I think it was a little early for that test anyway (they say it should be done between weeks 11-13 and I was at 10 weeks one day). And get the bloodwork done associated with that before deciding to do anything more invasive.

I am doing.... okay.... even though I KNOW I shouldn't worry yet--and really, what good does worrying do about something I cannot change-- I am still worried, and scared, and sad. I am doing much better than I was this afternoon, although I will admit to a bit of a breakdown a few minutes ago. But I am trying to be positive. Matt is either SUPER positive, or in denial because he just says there is nothing wrong... and is downplaying the whole thing. And my mother got on the phone right away so I know there are people all over the country praying for the little one. But holy cow... I had no clue I could love somethign so much that I haven't even met. And that is only one inch long. I mean, when I saw it this morning wiggle around and shaking it's arms, it was so amazing. And I saw it straight on, saw it's little face, and fists by it's ears. And it scares me that anything could be wrong with it. But really, I guess I didn't realize I would love this baby so much when it is still so very little.